i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
