Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
