no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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