haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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