There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
