I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
