Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
