I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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