sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
