May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
