Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
