Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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