Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
