So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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