I'm going to jail i love you
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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