I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
