so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
