If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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