People with herpes should wear stickers.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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