if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
