if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
