If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
