Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
