Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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