I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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