There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
