Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
