He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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