you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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