I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
