good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
