Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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