when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
