Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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