I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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