I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
