My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
