I accidentally burped into my bong.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
