You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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