Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
