I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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