Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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