I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Found the puke drawer
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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