gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
