How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
