apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
