I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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