Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
