My sheets look like a crime scene.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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