I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
